battle

there is an internal war being waged inside of me. every second of every day the fibers of my being are in a state of siege over my destiny. i am split into two halves - one wishes to find love and live happily ever after, the other wishes to go explore the world. im tortured every day by the thoughts of either of these wishes and what will happen if i miss out on one or the other. i am constantly trying to figure out how to have both, and if i cant have both, which one will i regret the most not following. and how does one ever decide between the two? do you have to decide? is it possible to have both? which will i regret the most if i let it go?

the urge to travel, to see the world, to have experiences i could have never even dreamed of - this is the newer of the two. this urge has swelled inside of me ever since i came back from Europe. i long for the adventure, the life changing journey that takes place when you leave societal norms behind and spread your wings to fly higher then you ever thought imagine able.

love

i miss being in love. i miss having a companion. i miss the feeling that you get, looking into the eyes of the one you love. a feeling you cannot get from anything else. i am so blessed to have the most amazing friends and family. my life is full of love. but when i sit alone i feel like something is missing. im at a point in my life where being in a relationship isnt the best thing for me, but i will not lie or pretend that i dont miss it, that i dont want it. watching other couples is heart breaking. seeing the love they share for one another, sharing it in a slight brush of the hand or a light touch on the back, a stolen glance in a room full of people. i really miss that. and it hits me from out of nowhere. i can spend a whole weekend surrounded by friends, having amazing times, but the moment i am alone, the moment the car door shuts and the last friend gets out of my car, it hits me. i want to drive home to my loved one and tell them all about my great weekend. better yet i want to share that great weekend with them. i want someone to get me, to be with me, to love me, in a way that no one else does. when i feel like this i worry about my future, not about having love in the future, but not feeling this lack of love in the future. i want to move abroad. i want to quit my life here and take it on the road. take my life, my love, my memories on the road. but will i still feel this void? this deep dark void that hides itself so well amongst the love of the ones in my life. the last thing i want is to be stitting on a train riding from barcelona back home to rome and feel like something is missing. will it always feel like something is missing until i find that love?? because to think about looking for that love feels that a task to overwhemling to comprehend. i am in shape to look for love. and in a way i would be ok without that 'great' love. to just share my time with someone that i care about and that cares about me - that would be ok too. and most ideal at this time in my life. this lonliness creeps in without warning and just takes my breathe away. i check my phone a hundred time to see who might love me enough to call or text, as if that is the deciding factor on how full my life is. i feel this is a struggle i will always have. and honestly i feel it the most after i have spent the most amount of time with people. highest highs and lowest lows. that is the cycle i feel i follow more then i would like to. and i guess that is what i would like to conquer. but as i have been told before. we all feel this way. at some point in our lives, our days, our hours and minutes, seconds we all feel alone. and so why should i be any different?

lonely

i cried today. for the first time in a long time i cried because i felt sorry for myself. i cried because i realized, as much as i have changed, i have not changed at all. the same issues i was dealing with before i left for my great adventure are still here welcoming me back. but i should have known better. i am smarter then that. i knew they would be here waiting for me. i could feel them the whole time. if im being truly honest i could feel them in europe. my demons run deeper then the blood that runs through my veins. i was naive to think they were less significant. naive to think i could just hop across the world, confusing them as to where to find me. they just stayed put right here at home and waited for me. they sent a few postcards while i was away but they were content to await my return. sometimes it feels as though i am a slave to these demons. but again, arent we all? they have so much control over how i act. i find myself powerless to their whispers in my ear, to continue all the bad habits that have gotten me to where i am in my life. i try to fight, i try to drown them out, i try to forget i know their names, that i know them intimately. but none of that works. so instead of trying to deny them i am choosing to embrace them. for once i am going to love those demons, love them for all the great things they have taught me this far in life, love them for challenging me, for making life worth the effort of living. who are these demons? let me introduce you....

abandoned by father - he needs no introduction. this guy has been with me for years. reminding me that my father didnt need me in his life, didnt want to be in mine. he had more important matters to tend to like his inappropriate relations with a married woman whom he so willingly introduced into our lives. healthy, right? he lingers around with a heavier aroma then the rest. still not as important as i should be, even as an adult.

needy mother - the newest addition to the family, i am not quite as familiar with 'needy mother' as i am with the others. but what i do know is that she did a number on me and where i look for love.

food as comfort - ahhh the trusty sidekick. the one that will never abandon you, the one that knows how to make you feel better under any circumstances. the one you wish would just shut the fuck up, literally. just shut your mouth. my best friend and worst enemy all wrapped up in one. this little guy is quite manipulative too.

doubt/fear - almost like paternal twins, these two near leave each others side. they are the anti christ to the confidence trying to break out inside of me. they have a funny way of derailing plans ive made to better myself and my life. now that i think about it, they are like overbearing parents that instill the fear of god into you about life, and living it, in hopes you will lock yourself in a closet for the rest of your life.

im feeling sorry for myself, i think that much is obvious. i dont like it but tonight i am not going to beat myself up for it. we all have struggles in life, why should i be any different? we all feel sad. maybe if i stopped trying to fight it so hard. just sat with it. embraced it. became intimate with it, then maybe i could let it go a little easier. what you truly love you can let go, i will love me for all the demons that dwell inside. i will love me so hard i will let them go. not tonight, not tomorrow. but someday, slowly but surely i will begin to let go. let go and let be.

inspiration

i have always wanted to be a gifted writer. to write beautiful lyrics to a song i cant compose. to write a poem that could change someones life. unfortunately i dont like to write. well i do like to write but only when i have something to say. last night at the ray lamontagne concert i had something to say. and this is what came....

i search for you
whose name i dont know
i long for you to make me whole
but when i stop looking
and start looking around
i am amazed at what ive found
i find i am whole
i find i am complete
i find i need no one but me


it has been years since i have written anything along the lines of a poem. and what came to me in my head is not what i wrote down as the exact words were lost by the time i found a pen. but i felt inspired at that moment. i hope for more inspiration in the time to come.

honesty

i wish people would be more honest. with others and with themselves. take for instance the 'bar' scene. both men and women go to the bar to, yes, spend quality time with their friends, but also to get notice. to have a member of the opposite sex notice them and make them feel good. we go to show ourselves off and to get attention. lets just be honest about the fact that we want to interact to achieve this attention. so why is it that both men and women alike go to the bar and dont talk to a member of the opposite sex. we put up this front like im too good to talk to you. but inside we are screaming for them to come over and say something. anything. the guys are too prideful to walk up to a girl and the girls are too intimidated, meek, to grow some balls and walk up to a guy. i know im a little biased because i just came from italy where the men, of any age, will walk right up to you and tell you you're beautiful, and they want to marry you. there is no false pretense. no games. what good does it do anyone to not be honest, straight forward about what they want. think of all the happy girls and boys that would be leaving the bars on saturday night if they were just honest with themselves and others, instead of all the sexually frustrated ones. and im just using the bar scene as an example. people need to be more honest in life. in general. honest about what they want out of life. we are raised to believe there is a 'normal' path to follow in life and im pretty sure for ninety nice percent of the population it doesnt feel right. but that cant be honest with themselves about this. because of they were their safe haven, their comfort zone would suddenly seem unfamiliar and confining. and then what would they do. and for that one percent that likes to conform. please stop passing judgement on those that choose an "alternate' lifesytle. some of us are not comfortable accepting the norm. some of us feel that there is more to life for us. and maybe that means that we havent found ourselves, that we are searching for something more. and to that i say so what? the day i stop trying to figure out who i am and all the facets that make up my emotional and physical being is the day i will be buried in the ground. how could someone ever find all the answers in one lifetime? dont misunderstand me. i am not passing judgement on those that have chosen a different path then mine. if anything i probably dont understand where they are coming from, and vice versa. but i would like to think that i would want to know, to ask, to try to understand where you are coming from. i would only ask the same in return. but to get back to the subject at hand, there needs to be more honesty in the world. brutal, heart breaking. life changing, world shattering truth. sometimes the truth hurts. but what does it mean when you withhold the truth? the only reason not to be honest is to hide something. and if you have to hide it you probably shouldnt have done it in the first place. i know we all make mistakes. i just feel that we should be honest about them. that we should own our mistakes and take responsibility for them. take for instance cheating. i have not always been honest about my mistakes. but i would prefer to be. and i would appreciate the same in return. yes, you may lose your relationship, you may hurt someones feelings. but you knew that from the very start. so just own up to it. when it comes to relationships i feel honesty goes hand in hand with communication. if you can talk with the one you love about your thoughts and feelings, and know they will be respected, you probably would be able to have a conversation before your actions took you places you shouldnt go. i want to be more honest. and i want the people in my life to be honest with me as well. there are too many games to play in life as it is. and yes i know this is a useless rant as honesty, true honesty doesnt really exist. but i have hope that someday that i will be as honest with myself as possible and the same to others. and maybe, just maybe, i will get it in return.

the end of tv

its slipping away. that intense feeling i had when i got back from my adventure. that feeling that i could do anything with my life. that i wanted so much more. that i was going to accomplish so much more. that i wasnt going to be the same person. that feeling is slipping away. not because i want it to. not because i dont care anymore. its slipping away due to the harsh reality of humanity called time. it has been almost three weeks since we flew back home. i never thought the feeling could fade so fast. i was on top of the world. enlightened. i could have sworn it was never going to be the same. but i find myself in exactly the same predicament as when i left. i wonder what happened. what happened to those feelings of endless joy and possibility. i wanted so much and now i seem to just want to get by, again. im so tired all the time yet i dont sleep. i want to loose the weight i gained yet i eat. i want my life to be different yet i stay the same. it may seem naive but i would think if i truly wanted it, wouldnt i fight a little harder for it? but i know i want it. i want it more then anything. why am i not willing to do whatever it takes? what is it that i need to focus on to get myself motivated again? why do i think of million things i want or need to do in a day and i can never seem to get more then one or two accomplished. why do i continuously watch my life pass me by when i was truly grabbing it by the reigns in Italy. what will it take to finally do what i say. do what it is a really want to do. i want to throw my tv out the door. watch it smash into a million little pieces and know i can never watch it again. and then i want to walk over the rubble, to the beach that i only get to have for a few months longer. i want to sit on the wall, listen to the waves, feel the ocean spray, close my eyes and imagine all the greatness that is in me and in the world. thats what i want to do. so why do i sit on the uncomfortable couch starring at other peoples lives. instead of living mine. tomorrow i get rid of the tv. i dont care that i wont have the comforts of doing nothing. i dont care. thats not what i want.

moment of clarity

"Trying is lying. There is no such thing as trying. You do it or you don't. You get results in life or you have excuses why you didn't. When people say, 'I'll try,' they usually mean, 'I'm not going to do it now.'"

i read this quote tonight and it all became clear. i have been trying. my whole life i have been trying to be someone or do something. trying to fix myself, change myself, inspire myself. and i keep failing and beating myself up for failing. and tonight it became clear. every time i try i give myself the option to fail. i tell myself its ok because i was trying. its not ok anymore. failing is not an option anymore. yes, i know there will always be stumbles and set backs, but perserverance is whats missing. when i came home from europe i swore i would not, could not fall back into the same patterns, the same routines i had before. which were unproductive and self-damaging. and yet i found myself in exactly the same predicament. even tonight as i write this. what will it take for me to finally get it? this is what i ask myself all the time. and tonight i realized it will take me. me committed, truly committed to make it happen. what do i want? to get myself into shape. forget about 'loosing weight'. i just want to be healthy and active and im certainly not that. i want to stop wasting time. precious time that i will never get back again. i want to be perpetually working towards my direction in life. i dont know why i think this will be easy. how many times have i said to someone else, anything worth having in life is not easy? its the hard stuff that we grow from. the hard stuff teaches us who we are. who we really are. the hard stuff is what defines us. and up until this point i have always caved under the pressure. i have always waited for that "ah ha" moment when everything clicks and all of a sudden i change and i am a different person. that moment will never come. but that movement can begin now. how will i remember this in the morning when i wake up? i will. thats it. i will remember because i want to remember. because my desire is stronger then my temptations. because i permanently inked myself with the word strength in italian. that was supposed to mean something. tonight i choose to give it the meaning i expected it to come with. i cant look at my wrist again without knowing that i have made this decision. my life is not going to just happen. and i dont want it to just happen. i want to make it happen. i want to shape it with my dreams, my goals, my desires, with the impossible. and i have to want that more then anything in the entire world. more then a man, more then a slice of cheese, more then a comfortable night on the couch, more then anything else.

the night before...

so its the night before i go back to work...and i cant sleep. i knew i wouldnt. i cant believe my trip is over. i cant believe that five weeks went by so unbelievably fast. there is so much going through my head. i used to think i thought a lot but its been even more since i got back. i guess what has changed is what i am thinking about. my priorities have changed. i feel like i am more focused. i feel like i am more me then i was before. i am more comfortable being me. i am more honest about being me. and i am so thankful for that. for the first time in my life i am comfortable in my own skin (however stretched out it may be). what i am most afraid of is that i will walk through the doors tomorrow at work and it will all go away. the memories will fade. i wont remember what it was like to live everyday. i cant get sucked back into the depression that was my life before. and while i am afraid, i know it wont happen. i wont let it happen. i have learned too much. i have grown. i have changed and i refuse to go backwards. everyday must be a focused effort to never go back, to always move forward. there is so much more this life has to offer for me. without fear. that is how i need to go forward, step by step, with absolutely no fear. i cant, i wont get stuck. this is not my life. my life is waiting for me. out there. out in the world. i am meant to met people. to know people. to tell my story and hear theirs. from this day forward that is what my journey is about. i am so thankful for the opportunity that life has given me up to this point, but i will no longer wait to be handed the opportunity. i will take it. take it all. because i deserve it. because i want it. because its mine. there is no job in the world, however much i hate it, that can take that away from me. in fact, im pretty sure i wont be able to wipe the smile off my face tomorrow. it may get harder as the days go on but i will continue to smile. everyday. because i am alive. i am alive.