moment of clarity

"Trying is lying. There is no such thing as trying. You do it or you don't. You get results in life or you have excuses why you didn't. When people say, 'I'll try,' they usually mean, 'I'm not going to do it now.'"

i read this quote tonight and it all became clear. i have been trying. my whole life i have been trying to be someone or do something. trying to fix myself, change myself, inspire myself. and i keep failing and beating myself up for failing. and tonight it became clear. every time i try i give myself the option to fail. i tell myself its ok because i was trying. its not ok anymore. failing is not an option anymore. yes, i know there will always be stumbles and set backs, but perserverance is whats missing. when i came home from europe i swore i would not, could not fall back into the same patterns, the same routines i had before. which were unproductive and self-damaging. and yet i found myself in exactly the same predicament. even tonight as i write this. what will it take for me to finally get it? this is what i ask myself all the time. and tonight i realized it will take me. me committed, truly committed to make it happen. what do i want? to get myself into shape. forget about 'loosing weight'. i just want to be healthy and active and im certainly not that. i want to stop wasting time. precious time that i will never get back again. i want to be perpetually working towards my direction in life. i dont know why i think this will be easy. how many times have i said to someone else, anything worth having in life is not easy? its the hard stuff that we grow from. the hard stuff teaches us who we are. who we really are. the hard stuff is what defines us. and up until this point i have always caved under the pressure. i have always waited for that "ah ha" moment when everything clicks and all of a sudden i change and i am a different person. that moment will never come. but that movement can begin now. how will i remember this in the morning when i wake up? i will. thats it. i will remember because i want to remember. because my desire is stronger then my temptations. because i permanently inked myself with the word strength in italian. that was supposed to mean something. tonight i choose to give it the meaning i expected it to come with. i cant look at my wrist again without knowing that i have made this decision. my life is not going to just happen. and i dont want it to just happen. i want to make it happen. i want to shape it with my dreams, my goals, my desires, with the impossible. and i have to want that more then anything in the entire world. more then a man, more then a slice of cheese, more then a comfortable night on the couch, more then anything else.