the night before...

so its the night before i go back to work...and i cant sleep. i knew i wouldnt. i cant believe my trip is over. i cant believe that five weeks went by so unbelievably fast. there is so much going through my head. i used to think i thought a lot but its been even more since i got back. i guess what has changed is what i am thinking about. my priorities have changed. i feel like i am more focused. i feel like i am more me then i was before. i am more comfortable being me. i am more honest about being me. and i am so thankful for that. for the first time in my life i am comfortable in my own skin (however stretched out it may be). what i am most afraid of is that i will walk through the doors tomorrow at work and it will all go away. the memories will fade. i wont remember what it was like to live everyday. i cant get sucked back into the depression that was my life before. and while i am afraid, i know it wont happen. i wont let it happen. i have learned too much. i have grown. i have changed and i refuse to go backwards. everyday must be a focused effort to never go back, to always move forward. there is so much more this life has to offer for me. without fear. that is how i need to go forward, step by step, with absolutely no fear. i cant, i wont get stuck. this is not my life. my life is waiting for me. out there. out in the world. i am meant to met people. to know people. to tell my story and hear theirs. from this day forward that is what my journey is about. i am so thankful for the opportunity that life has given me up to this point, but i will no longer wait to be handed the opportunity. i will take it. take it all. because i deserve it. because i want it. because its mine. there is no job in the world, however much i hate it, that can take that away from me. in fact, im pretty sure i wont be able to wipe the smile off my face tomorrow. it may get harder as the days go on but i will continue to smile. everyday. because i am alive. i am alive.