the end of tv

its slipping away. that intense feeling i had when i got back from my adventure. that feeling that i could do anything with my life. that i wanted so much more. that i was going to accomplish so much more. that i wasnt going to be the same person. that feeling is slipping away. not because i want it to. not because i dont care anymore. its slipping away due to the harsh reality of humanity called time. it has been almost three weeks since we flew back home. i never thought the feeling could fade so fast. i was on top of the world. enlightened. i could have sworn it was never going to be the same. but i find myself in exactly the same predicament as when i left. i wonder what happened. what happened to those feelings of endless joy and possibility. i wanted so much and now i seem to just want to get by, again. im so tired all the time yet i dont sleep. i want to loose the weight i gained yet i eat. i want my life to be different yet i stay the same. it may seem naive but i would think if i truly wanted it, wouldnt i fight a little harder for it? but i know i want it. i want it more then anything. why am i not willing to do whatever it takes? what is it that i need to focus on to get myself motivated again? why do i think of million things i want or need to do in a day and i can never seem to get more then one or two accomplished. why do i continuously watch my life pass me by when i was truly grabbing it by the reigns in Italy. what will it take to finally do what i say. do what it is a really want to do. i want to throw my tv out the door. watch it smash into a million little pieces and know i can never watch it again. and then i want to walk over the rubble, to the beach that i only get to have for a few months longer. i want to sit on the wall, listen to the waves, feel the ocean spray, close my eyes and imagine all the greatness that is in me and in the world. thats what i want to do. so why do i sit on the uncomfortable couch starring at other peoples lives. instead of living mine. tomorrow i get rid of the tv. i dont care that i wont have the comforts of doing nothing. i dont care. thats not what i want.

moment of clarity

"Trying is lying. There is no such thing as trying. You do it or you don't. You get results in life or you have excuses why you didn't. When people say, 'I'll try,' they usually mean, 'I'm not going to do it now.'"

i read this quote tonight and it all became clear. i have been trying. my whole life i have been trying to be someone or do something. trying to fix myself, change myself, inspire myself. and i keep failing and beating myself up for failing. and tonight it became clear. every time i try i give myself the option to fail. i tell myself its ok because i was trying. its not ok anymore. failing is not an option anymore. yes, i know there will always be stumbles and set backs, but perserverance is whats missing. when i came home from europe i swore i would not, could not fall back into the same patterns, the same routines i had before. which were unproductive and self-damaging. and yet i found myself in exactly the same predicament. even tonight as i write this. what will it take for me to finally get it? this is what i ask myself all the time. and tonight i realized it will take me. me committed, truly committed to make it happen. what do i want? to get myself into shape. forget about 'loosing weight'. i just want to be healthy and active and im certainly not that. i want to stop wasting time. precious time that i will never get back again. i want to be perpetually working towards my direction in life. i dont know why i think this will be easy. how many times have i said to someone else, anything worth having in life is not easy? its the hard stuff that we grow from. the hard stuff teaches us who we are. who we really are. the hard stuff is what defines us. and up until this point i have always caved under the pressure. i have always waited for that "ah ha" moment when everything clicks and all of a sudden i change and i am a different person. that moment will never come. but that movement can begin now. how will i remember this in the morning when i wake up? i will. thats it. i will remember because i want to remember. because my desire is stronger then my temptations. because i permanently inked myself with the word strength in italian. that was supposed to mean something. tonight i choose to give it the meaning i expected it to come with. i cant look at my wrist again without knowing that i have made this decision. my life is not going to just happen. and i dont want it to just happen. i want to make it happen. i want to shape it with my dreams, my goals, my desires, with the impossible. and i have to want that more then anything in the entire world. more then a man, more then a slice of cheese, more then a comfortable night on the couch, more then anything else.

the night before...

so its the night before i go back to work...and i cant sleep. i knew i wouldnt. i cant believe my trip is over. i cant believe that five weeks went by so unbelievably fast. there is so much going through my head. i used to think i thought a lot but its been even more since i got back. i guess what has changed is what i am thinking about. my priorities have changed. i feel like i am more focused. i feel like i am more me then i was before. i am more comfortable being me. i am more honest about being me. and i am so thankful for that. for the first time in my life i am comfortable in my own skin (however stretched out it may be). what i am most afraid of is that i will walk through the doors tomorrow at work and it will all go away. the memories will fade. i wont remember what it was like to live everyday. i cant get sucked back into the depression that was my life before. and while i am afraid, i know it wont happen. i wont let it happen. i have learned too much. i have grown. i have changed and i refuse to go backwards. everyday must be a focused effort to never go back, to always move forward. there is so much more this life has to offer for me. without fear. that is how i need to go forward, step by step, with absolutely no fear. i cant, i wont get stuck. this is not my life. my life is waiting for me. out there. out in the world. i am meant to met people. to know people. to tell my story and hear theirs. from this day forward that is what my journey is about. i am so thankful for the opportunity that life has given me up to this point, but i will no longer wait to be handed the opportunity. i will take it. take it all. because i deserve it. because i want it. because its mine. there is no job in the world, however much i hate it, that can take that away from me. in fact, im pretty sure i wont be able to wipe the smile off my face tomorrow. it may get harder as the days go on but i will continue to smile. everyday. because i am alive. i am alive.