lonely

i cried today. for the first time in a long time i cried because i felt sorry for myself. i cried because i realized, as much as i have changed, i have not changed at all. the same issues i was dealing with before i left for my great adventure are still here welcoming me back. but i should have known better. i am smarter then that. i knew they would be here waiting for me. i could feel them the whole time. if im being truly honest i could feel them in europe. my demons run deeper then the blood that runs through my veins. i was naive to think they were less significant. naive to think i could just hop across the world, confusing them as to where to find me. they just stayed put right here at home and waited for me. they sent a few postcards while i was away but they were content to await my return. sometimes it feels as though i am a slave to these demons. but again, arent we all? they have so much control over how i act. i find myself powerless to their whispers in my ear, to continue all the bad habits that have gotten me to where i am in my life. i try to fight, i try to drown them out, i try to forget i know their names, that i know them intimately. but none of that works. so instead of trying to deny them i am choosing to embrace them. for once i am going to love those demons, love them for all the great things they have taught me this far in life, love them for challenging me, for making life worth the effort of living. who are these demons? let me introduce you....

abandoned by father - he needs no introduction. this guy has been with me for years. reminding me that my father didnt need me in his life, didnt want to be in mine. he had more important matters to tend to like his inappropriate relations with a married woman whom he so willingly introduced into our lives. healthy, right? he lingers around with a heavier aroma then the rest. still not as important as i should be, even as an adult.

needy mother - the newest addition to the family, i am not quite as familiar with 'needy mother' as i am with the others. but what i do know is that she did a number on me and where i look for love.

food as comfort - ahhh the trusty sidekick. the one that will never abandon you, the one that knows how to make you feel better under any circumstances. the one you wish would just shut the fuck up, literally. just shut your mouth. my best friend and worst enemy all wrapped up in one. this little guy is quite manipulative too.

doubt/fear - almost like paternal twins, these two near leave each others side. they are the anti christ to the confidence trying to break out inside of me. they have a funny way of derailing plans ive made to better myself and my life. now that i think about it, they are like overbearing parents that instill the fear of god into you about life, and living it, in hopes you will lock yourself in a closet for the rest of your life.

im feeling sorry for myself, i think that much is obvious. i dont like it but tonight i am not going to beat myself up for it. we all have struggles in life, why should i be any different? we all feel sad. maybe if i stopped trying to fight it so hard. just sat with it. embraced it. became intimate with it, then maybe i could let it go a little easier. what you truly love you can let go, i will love me for all the demons that dwell inside. i will love me so hard i will let them go. not tonight, not tomorrow. but someday, slowly but surely i will begin to let go. let go and let be.

inspiration

i have always wanted to be a gifted writer. to write beautiful lyrics to a song i cant compose. to write a poem that could change someones life. unfortunately i dont like to write. well i do like to write but only when i have something to say. last night at the ray lamontagne concert i had something to say. and this is what came....

i search for you
whose name i dont know
i long for you to make me whole
but when i stop looking
and start looking around
i am amazed at what ive found
i find i am whole
i find i am complete
i find i need no one but me


it has been years since i have written anything along the lines of a poem. and what came to me in my head is not what i wrote down as the exact words were lost by the time i found a pen. but i felt inspired at that moment. i hope for more inspiration in the time to come.

honesty

i wish people would be more honest. with others and with themselves. take for instance the 'bar' scene. both men and women go to the bar to, yes, spend quality time with their friends, but also to get notice. to have a member of the opposite sex notice them and make them feel good. we go to show ourselves off and to get attention. lets just be honest about the fact that we want to interact to achieve this attention. so why is it that both men and women alike go to the bar and dont talk to a member of the opposite sex. we put up this front like im too good to talk to you. but inside we are screaming for them to come over and say something. anything. the guys are too prideful to walk up to a girl and the girls are too intimidated, meek, to grow some balls and walk up to a guy. i know im a little biased because i just came from italy where the men, of any age, will walk right up to you and tell you you're beautiful, and they want to marry you. there is no false pretense. no games. what good does it do anyone to not be honest, straight forward about what they want. think of all the happy girls and boys that would be leaving the bars on saturday night if they were just honest with themselves and others, instead of all the sexually frustrated ones. and im just using the bar scene as an example. people need to be more honest in life. in general. honest about what they want out of life. we are raised to believe there is a 'normal' path to follow in life and im pretty sure for ninety nice percent of the population it doesnt feel right. but that cant be honest with themselves about this. because of they were their safe haven, their comfort zone would suddenly seem unfamiliar and confining. and then what would they do. and for that one percent that likes to conform. please stop passing judgement on those that choose an "alternate' lifesytle. some of us are not comfortable accepting the norm. some of us feel that there is more to life for us. and maybe that means that we havent found ourselves, that we are searching for something more. and to that i say so what? the day i stop trying to figure out who i am and all the facets that make up my emotional and physical being is the day i will be buried in the ground. how could someone ever find all the answers in one lifetime? dont misunderstand me. i am not passing judgement on those that have chosen a different path then mine. if anything i probably dont understand where they are coming from, and vice versa. but i would like to think that i would want to know, to ask, to try to understand where you are coming from. i would only ask the same in return. but to get back to the subject at hand, there needs to be more honesty in the world. brutal, heart breaking. life changing, world shattering truth. sometimes the truth hurts. but what does it mean when you withhold the truth? the only reason not to be honest is to hide something. and if you have to hide it you probably shouldnt have done it in the first place. i know we all make mistakes. i just feel that we should be honest about them. that we should own our mistakes and take responsibility for them. take for instance cheating. i have not always been honest about my mistakes. but i would prefer to be. and i would appreciate the same in return. yes, you may lose your relationship, you may hurt someones feelings. but you knew that from the very start. so just own up to it. when it comes to relationships i feel honesty goes hand in hand with communication. if you can talk with the one you love about your thoughts and feelings, and know they will be respected, you probably would be able to have a conversation before your actions took you places you shouldnt go. i want to be more honest. and i want the people in my life to be honest with me as well. there are too many games to play in life as it is. and yes i know this is a useless rant as honesty, true honesty doesnt really exist. but i have hope that someday that i will be as honest with myself as possible and the same to others. and maybe, just maybe, i will get it in return.