lonely

i cried today. for the first time in a long time i cried because i felt sorry for myself. i cried because i realized, as much as i have changed, i have not changed at all. the same issues i was dealing with before i left for my great adventure are still here welcoming me back. but i should have known better. i am smarter then that. i knew they would be here waiting for me. i could feel them the whole time. if im being truly honest i could feel them in europe. my demons run deeper then the blood that runs through my veins. i was naive to think they were less significant. naive to think i could just hop across the world, confusing them as to where to find me. they just stayed put right here at home and waited for me. they sent a few postcards while i was away but they were content to await my return. sometimes it feels as though i am a slave to these demons. but again, arent we all? they have so much control over how i act. i find myself powerless to their whispers in my ear, to continue all the bad habits that have gotten me to where i am in my life. i try to fight, i try to drown them out, i try to forget i know their names, that i know them intimately. but none of that works. so instead of trying to deny them i am choosing to embrace them. for once i am going to love those demons, love them for all the great things they have taught me this far in life, love them for challenging me, for making life worth the effort of living. who are these demons? let me introduce you....

abandoned by father - he needs no introduction. this guy has been with me for years. reminding me that my father didnt need me in his life, didnt want to be in mine. he had more important matters to tend to like his inappropriate relations with a married woman whom he so willingly introduced into our lives. healthy, right? he lingers around with a heavier aroma then the rest. still not as important as i should be, even as an adult.

needy mother - the newest addition to the family, i am not quite as familiar with 'needy mother' as i am with the others. but what i do know is that she did a number on me and where i look for love.

food as comfort - ahhh the trusty sidekick. the one that will never abandon you, the one that knows how to make you feel better under any circumstances. the one you wish would just shut the fuck up, literally. just shut your mouth. my best friend and worst enemy all wrapped up in one. this little guy is quite manipulative too.

doubt/fear - almost like paternal twins, these two near leave each others side. they are the anti christ to the confidence trying to break out inside of me. they have a funny way of derailing plans ive made to better myself and my life. now that i think about it, they are like overbearing parents that instill the fear of god into you about life, and living it, in hopes you will lock yourself in a closet for the rest of your life.

im feeling sorry for myself, i think that much is obvious. i dont like it but tonight i am not going to beat myself up for it. we all have struggles in life, why should i be any different? we all feel sad. maybe if i stopped trying to fight it so hard. just sat with it. embraced it. became intimate with it, then maybe i could let it go a little easier. what you truly love you can let go, i will love me for all the demons that dwell inside. i will love me so hard i will let them go. not tonight, not tomorrow. but someday, slowly but surely i will begin to let go. let go and let be.