the end of tv

its slipping away. that intense feeling i had when i got back from my adventure. that feeling that i could do anything with my life. that i wanted so much more. that i was going to accomplish so much more. that i wasnt going to be the same person. that feeling is slipping away. not because i want it to. not because i dont care anymore. its slipping away due to the harsh reality of humanity called time. it has been almost three weeks since we flew back home. i never thought the feeling could fade so fast. i was on top of the world. enlightened. i could have sworn it was never going to be the same. but i find myself in exactly the same predicament as when i left. i wonder what happened. what happened to those feelings of endless joy and possibility. i wanted so much and now i seem to just want to get by, again. im so tired all the time yet i dont sleep. i want to loose the weight i gained yet i eat. i want my life to be different yet i stay the same. it may seem naive but i would think if i truly wanted it, wouldnt i fight a little harder for it? but i know i want it. i want it more then anything. why am i not willing to do whatever it takes? what is it that i need to focus on to get myself motivated again? why do i think of million things i want or need to do in a day and i can never seem to get more then one or two accomplished. why do i continuously watch my life pass me by when i was truly grabbing it by the reigns in Italy. what will it take to finally do what i say. do what it is a really want to do. i want to throw my tv out the door. watch it smash into a million little pieces and know i can never watch it again. and then i want to walk over the rubble, to the beach that i only get to have for a few months longer. i want to sit on the wall, listen to the waves, feel the ocean spray, close my eyes and imagine all the greatness that is in me and in the world. thats what i want to do. so why do i sit on the uncomfortable couch starring at other peoples lives. instead of living mine. tomorrow i get rid of the tv. i dont care that i wont have the comforts of doing nothing. i dont care. thats not what i want.